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Facing failure: Pressing forward despite disappointment

Photo by Claudia Barbosa from Pexels

[This was written in April after I got some disappointing news.]

Last week, I found out that I didn’t get the NSF postdoc fellowship. Even though I figured I didn’t (since winners were being announced 2-3 weeks before) it still hurt. I guess a small part of me was holding out hope. Oh well.

I know that ultimately I’ll be okay. I have a job next year. And even if it only ends up being a 1 year appointment, I feel like I can contribute a lot of good. I finally mustered enough courage to look at the reviewer comments and they were…okay. It didn’t feel great, but it felt like we gave it a decent shot. With a little more polishing, I think we could have a real shot next year.

My mom called me right as I was reading the comments and sending them to my postdoc advisor. I told her how I got dinged for not being a human researcher.

I read her this exact reviewer comment:

      “The candidate has previously done research in voles, but not humans. Thus, the project represents a completely new direction for her research. Thus, she does not yet have the research background that will be necessary to successfully complete the project.”

“WHAT?!?!” she yelled through the phone. “I can’t believe they said that about you; how could they say that?”

I was totally caught off guard by how angry, upset, and genuinely hurt she was. I told her this comment was very mild. It was constructive and to the point without being too personal. She insisted it was personal. I finally said, “Mom, reviewers have said way worse and way meaner stuff about me and my work during peer review. This is honestly kiddie stuff.”

As I was trying to reassure her, I could tell she was perplexed by how cavalier I was about receiving these reviewer comments. I was thinking to myself, “Doesn’t she know this is a huge part of my job? This literally happens all the time.”

Then I realized, no she doesn’t…

BECAUSE WE NEVER TALK ABOUT OUR FAILURES!

I distinctly remember posting to social media when I submitted my first manuscript, and then nearly a year later posted again that said manuscript was accepted for publication. What I conveniently left out is the part where the first prestigious journal we sent it to tore it to shreds in the review process and rejected the paper. After reading the reviewer comments, I didn’t even open the manuscript to revise it for 2 months. It was that painful. Then I was able to take the reviewer feedback, substantially revise and rewrite the manuscript, and send it to a slightly less prestigious journal. On this second try, all was well and it got accepted after minor revisions. 

But we skip the ugly parts, the vulnerable parts. The parts that make us question if we really have what it takes. The parts that make us feel like were just faking-it-until-we-make-it and now we’re exposed and are gonna to get found out. The part where a little voice says, what are you even doing here? Why did they even let you in here?

Those feelings are real and we hide them. But you know what? When we bury our failures it only creates more shame. So I say let’s start talking openly about our disappointments and stop suffering in silence.

To that end, I’m publishing portions of the reviews from my failed NSF project proposal here. I’ve removed jargon and pertinent details about methods for clarity and brevity (and cause people be stealin’). I want you all to see that our shortcomings in performance don’t define us, and we have to keep on trying. 

I’m so thankful for my postdoc advisor. She is very level-headed and wise and is honestly such a strong leader with such a fierce confidence in my abilities that it’s nearly impossible to doubt myself. 

After receiving the comments, she emailed back: “Honestly, these are good and informative. The major issue is streamlining the project, which I think I we have better ideas about. Let’s meet and regroup.”

I’ll also note here that I told her via text that I was anxious about reading the reviews and hadn’t looked at them since getting the rejection. She said, ”Don’t even worry about it, you don’t have to look at them. If you want just forward them to me.”
Gah, what a gem!

Thanks Marlen, you da real MVP. 

Without further ado…

Scoring Scale for Proposals: Excellent, Very Good, Good, Fair, Poor

And that’s all she wrote!

Oh well. Time to go back to the drawing board and make a stronger proposal. This is just how science works. You create something, you get constructive and critical feedback, and then you iterate.

Failure is a necessary part of that process. So here’s to sharing our failures and continuing to press forward!

Let’s get to work!

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My 3 favorite personal development books of 2019

I’m a sucker for self-improvement. If I have some free time, more often than not, I choose to consume some sort of content about bettering myself. This genre is now called “personal development” or “lifestyle design” which both sound soooo much better than “self-help.” I don’t know who was in charge of the name change, but I’m very grateful.

If I’m reading/watching/listening to something it’s gonna either be about 1) personal development, 2) murder, true crime, serial killers, or 3) on occasion Shark Tank. (That’s seriously it. I know what I like, okay?!) I made a goal as 2017 ended that I wanted to read more, and it’s taken this long to finally make the habit stick (with a lot of false starts). Ultimately, I learned that I really don’t have time to read physical books. But I can absolutely listen to audiobooks while I’m already doing something else. I listen while I’m driving, or washing the dishes, or taking the bus to campus. It has really been great. I was able to stick to my goal, while also learning so much about myself at the same time. Win – Win!

I decided I wanted to share a few of my favorite books that really helped me this past year. As graduate students, we’re constantly focused on professional development and how to be prepared for that next step in our careers. What often ends up getting much less attention is personal development. But I firmly believe that the more we can show up daily as our whole selves and as our best selves, the more fulfillment we get out of our careers and the greater our professional impact.

Pro-tip: I listened to these books for FREE. I used the app Libby or Overdrive. These are amazing systems used throughout the US and are connected to your local public library. You get to check out each audiobook for 21 days, and you don’t even have to pay for an audiobook subscription service.

Okay. Finally now to my favorite 3 books. This list is not ranked in any order.

1. The Year of Less by Cait Flanders

Not gonna lie, I expected that I wouldn’t like this book. At first glance it’s a social experiment where someone tries not to buy any new items for a year except to replace things that break. I thought, “Oh here we go. Another super sheltered and privileged millennial living at home rent free, so they can do ‘edgy’ experiments.” I could not have been more wrong.

Cait is in her late 20s, and she opens up immediately about being a recovering alcoholic, that’s dealing with crippling student debt, and trying to manage mental health issues. Cait gets so real so fast and lets you as the reader know how everything with this experiment fits into the context of her life. Through discipline, diligence, and self-love she has created systems for herself to get her life in order. And this newest 12 month commitment was to help her evaluate the role of “stuff” and mindless consumerism in her life.

Each chapter opens with a running ledger of the number of months sober, amount of debt paid off/ income saved, and the number of items she has purchased. She quite literally brings receipts. As you read Cait’s journey you can’t help but evaluate your own lifestyle and choices. It’s not like I turned into a minimalist, but I did strive to ensure that everything I do with my life is actually intentional and chosen with purpose. 

2. Life in Motion: An Unlikely Ballerina by Misty Copeland

Okay this isn’t technically a personal development book. It’s a memoir. When I first made my new reading goals in 2017 I aimed to prioritize memoirs/autobiographies of women of color. Though it is a different genre, these books have the same functional effect on me. There’s a lot of knowledge to glean from these successful women and I try to implement it in my life.

This book was so profound for me in the areas of mindset, mental toughness, and identity. Misty Copeland was the first black ballerina to reach the rank of Principal Dancer at the prestigious American Ballet Theatre. Like many other people, the first I heard of her was when she made this landmark achievement and it made international news in 2015. But Misty is anything but an overnight success and has been grinding for over two decades. I learned how grueling, technical, precise, and demanding ballet is on your entire body. And on top of that Misty was carrying the burden of being a brown person breaking barriers in a world where many simply didn’t feel she belonged. If you’re someone who is an “other” in your area of study you’ll find much of Misty’s struggle relatable. And you’ll find her sheer grit, persistence, and determination in spite of so many obstacles down right inspiring.

On top of it all, I really related to Misty’s passion and dedication to pave the way for people who look like her. Throughout her career she has become a champion for outreach, diversity, and inclusion in ballet. During some of her toughest struggles she reminds herself why it all matters, and why she must keep going. The powerful refrain she repeats in these moments that is echoed throughout the book is “This is for the little brown girls.”

3. How to be a Bawse by Lilly Singh

Full disclosure; I’m not even finished reading this book yet. This is a physical book that I bought so I’m reading it at a snail’s pace. But wow is it good! And the visuals are incredible, so I’d definitely recommend grabbing the print book in this case.

Lilly is one of my favorite YouTubers and she is one of the hardest working people in her industry. This book is written in a series of essays, each on a particular topic that will help you be a boss BAWSE. I like that each chapter is concise, and packed with such a motivational punch. Each chapter ends with a specific call to action, so you can commit to making a lasting change right then and there. I keep the book out on my dining room table or on an end table in the living room. This way when I see it in the morning or come home and walk by it in the evening, I’m compelled to take a few minutes to read and reflect on a chapter. 

What I like most about Lilly’s advice is that she focuses more on systems than goals. She is extremely organized (I am not) so I learned very specific ways to implement new processes that can make me more successful and productive. Lilly is all about being focused and consistent in the little things which add up to big results in the long run. And because she is a ridiculously entertaining person, each chapter is packed with quips and jokes that keep me laughing throughout. I’m thoroughly enjoying this book and I plan to continue slowly savoring it one bite at a time.


These are my faves from this past year. If you have any good recommendations feel free to leave a comment below. I’m always looking for something inspiring.

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Talking to myself: Seeking the right solutions

Recently I finished reading Grit by Angela Duckworth. She is a professor and psychological researcher at UPenn. Her work identifies what makes people resilient, determined, and unwilling to give up on their goals. Reading her book has taught me so much about myself. Well, listening to this book technically, since audiobooks are really the only way I manage to finish any books. (Everyone’s always saying, “Ugh I wish I had time to read for pleasure in grad school.” I said the same, and had resigned myself to the idea that I didn’t have time for books. Then I realized that if I have time to listen to podcasts then I could listen to audiobooks. Game changer.) Anyway, there were numerous times where I had to pause the book and really dig deep to investigate how I fit into her research findings. One of the most dramatic moments was when I learned about problem solving. I was forced to ask myself an important question…

When I encounter a problem do I:

a) focus on my character & capabilities

OR

b) focus on my actions

It was highlighted in Grit that essentially your answer will help bring to light whether you are an optimist or a pessimist when it comes to solving problems. According to Duckworth, pessimists (i.e. fixed mindset/ low grit) believe that problems are “permanent and pervasive”, whereas optimists (i.e. growth mindset/high grit) see issues as “temporary and specific”. For example, let’s say that at the end of the day you’re frustrated with the tiny amount of work you have actually completed. When confronted with this issue you ask, “Why wasn’t I very productive?” When I heard this example in the book I immediately thought, “Because I wasn’t efficient with my time.” And I was quite pleased with myself because my response aligned with the optimist response. However that satisfaction was short lived because next Duckworth shared the pessimist response and it stopped me dead in my tracks. That response was, “I just can’t seem to do anything right. I’m never productive.” Whoa. I might not have used those exact words but I’ve definitely repeated very similar negative scripts to myself over the years. This shocked me because I’m known to be a very positive person. How could I line up with both the optimist and the pessimist? What was going on?

Duckworth explained that how we viewed our problems fundamentally shaped our ability to solve said problems. When individuals think the issue is permanent and pervasive it often mirrors having a fixed mindset, and leads to people giving up prior to finding solutions. They feel like the problem is bigger than their abilities, and always will be, therefore there’s nothing they can do. They show very little grit or resolve. Alternatively, by viewing difficult situations as temporary and specific, individuals adopt a growth mindset. The problem is specific to whatever conditions led to it arising, not due to some deep character flaw of their own that “ALWAYS” seems to conjure it.

As I began to explore my patterns of behavior more deeply, certain themes began to emerge. Whenever I was frustrated about a past decision that put me in a tough spot in the present, I used that moment to berate myself. I adopted the permanent and pervasive narrative and I weaponized it to rebuke my poor choices. Shortly after reading about all of this in Duckworth’s book, I randomly came across this oddly motivating twitter screenshot on facebook. To be clear, it wasn’t odd to see something like this posted on my social media, but it was oddly specific to what I had been thinking about. (fear the robot overlords!)

This really hit me hard. Even if you’re not a person of faith like I am, maybe think of it as your inner self or inner voice. It’s all the same. After seeing this post, I began to catch myself saying negative things in more subtle ways; and it scared me because it meant I was constantly absorbing these harmful narratives. For example, last week I desperately needed to stretch my shoulders after a workout, but was running short on time. I had just finished doing a bunch of heavy bench press sets (yes I’m talking about crossfit again) and, due to an old injury in my right shoulder, I always try to spend extra time in recovery. Well, I was out of time and had to leave the gym. I could either do half the amount of time for both shoulders, or do the whole amount for just my right shoulder. I chose the latter. And the next morning my right shoulder felt great, but my left shoulder ached. I sat up in bed and said, “Why did I think only doing one shoulder was a good idea? I’m such a moron.”

Record scratch.

I couldn’t believe it. I had been awake for about 14 seconds and I was already talking to myself horribly. I took a deep breath and corrected the situation. I said, “You are NOT a moron. You were tight on time and had to make a decision. Now you know for the future that it’s probably better to stretch both sides even if you have to cut the time.” I transformed the script from permanent & pervasive (a me problem), to temporary & specific (a regular ole problem).

How often are you turning run of the mill, super ordinary, mundane problems in life into harsh critiques of your character and capabilities? Anything above zero is too many. So stop that.

I think a big part of it for me is that when I’m frustrated with a situation I take it out on myself. And that’s problematic because grad school is VERY frustrating. Maybe your experiments aren’t working or, more commonly, you simply have too much to do and seemingly not enough time to do it all. When that sense of overwhelm and frustration builds, remember to stick to the temporary & specific scripts.

I noticed that I would be upset about my productivity on certain days of the week. It was typically on days where I had lots of meetings, seminars, journal clubs, etc fragmenting my time. By shifting the perspective from the permanent & pervasive (Ugh. Why can’t you ever focus?) to temporary & specific (These interruptions make it hard for you to do deep work.) I could arrive at a workable solution. Now, on days where my time is fragmented, I plan to do more administrative tasks that don’t require a ton of focus, but also still really need to get done. I even started keeping a list of these tasks with an estimated amount of time to completion. So now, when I only have 35min between meetings, I can pick something off that list and knock it out. These small changes have made a world of difference; but I had to frame the problem properly in order to arrive at a meaningful solution.

“Productivity” is the source of so much angst in grad school. There’s always that nagging feeling that you’re not doing enough; so we’re all chasing this elusive sense of accomplishment or validation that we’re putting in the “right amount” of work. This situation isn’t going away anytime soon, so in many ways, it’s quite helpful and healthy to implement strategies to optimize your workflow. However, what isn’t healthy or helpful is the permanent & pervasive mindset. So my advice is to avoid blaming yourself at all costs.

You are not the problem. You are the problem solver. Therefore speak to yourself with kindness and love so that you’re empowered to find the right solutions.