Recently I spoke with a good friend of mine, another senior graduate student in my department. We had just talked with a faculty job candidate interviewing in our department. The candidate was having lunch with a small group of us grad students when she made this seemingly innocuous comment; “I’ve seen places where the faculty feel strongly that students not going into academia are making a mistake and throwing their lives away. Like the faculty are unable to mentor students not heading to tenure track positions. That’s garbage!”.
Whew. My chest got tight and I took a shallow breath when she said this. It was because I knew that sentiment all too well. Once I complete my PhD, I am considering other career options beyond the traditional tenure track route. There have been many faculty in my department that have been less than thrilled with my decision; some even remarking that it’s a shame that “certain demographics” tend to leave academia. Yeah. I know. We could have a whole separate conversation breaking down systemic reasons for low retention of women, and underrepresented people in the academy, but alas that’s not what this post is about. This post is about being bold and relentless in striving for what you want.
As my friend and I chatted in the hallway after the meeting, we shared our experiences about considering life outside of academia. Both of our stories had many parallels. Mostly, they overlapped when discussing depression and generally feeling miserable at a certain point in grad school. I haven’t told my story fully here but I intend to in due time. There was about a year and a half period between my 4th and 5th year of grad school where I was floundering. I couldn’t help asking, “Is this it?” “Is this what I’m resigned to for the rest of my life in academia?”. I was so disillusioned, discouraged, and downright unhappy. I kept telling myself, “you’ll snap out of it”. I got help and I started seeing a therapist. I began taking medication for anxiety. I did all the “right” things. However, I still was deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. Things only began to get better about a year ago. It was in January 2018 that I finally was able to admit to myself that I didn’t want to pursue a tenure track position at a big research institution. Whoa. I’ve been convinced since I was 16 years old that THAT was exactly who I would become.
We shared in the hallway all the ways people have tried to discourage these decisions to leave academia. They imply that maybe you’re just in a rut and that there’s so much more to look forward to that you just can’t see as a grad student. But I contend that THIS is the clearest I’ve seen in years. It IS scary. I will admit that my next steps would be simpler if I was following the traditional path, but I have found something now that brings me so such fulfillment and purpose. I have found my why.
Why.
Why do I get up in the morning? What inspires me to work hard every day? Why do I do what I do, day in and day out?
My why is teaching, inspiring, mentoring, and empowering others. When I’m doing those things, my life is in order and I feel like I can accomplish anything.
I shared with my friend how I felt after my last two speaking engagements (One I gave in June at my high school alma mater and the other was a workshop for teen scholars I led over Thanksgiving break). I shared the raw emotions and sheer unbridled joy that I experienced in being able to see the direct impact I was having on future students’ lives. It was powerful and palpable, and was a sense of purpose that my research alone hasn’t been able to come close to delivering in a long time.
As I attempted to explain all these feelings my friend began to tear up. She said that my passion had greatly inspired her. Little did she know her own reaction was also so very impactful. It reminded me that, as graduate students, we need to see others pursuing their dreams and fighting for things that matter to them; especially when it involves a life beyond the tenure track pathway.
I just started reading How to Be a Bawse
I was afraid to admit that my career was moving beyond what I thought it would always be in academia. I was really scared. Terrified. I didn’t want to acknowledge that my academic dream wasn’t the life I wanted anymore. And yet, I was more willing to be miserable for nearly two years than to face the truth. Well, I’m not willing to make that trade any longer. I’m choosing happiness and purpose on my own terms. Is there more uncertainty along this path? Certainly, hehe. But I’d rather step out boldly and confidently into the unknown than remain undeveloped and unfulfilled where it’s safe.
It’s because my happiness is so much bigger than my fear.
And so is yours.
So go after it.