Self Sabotage Series – #2
There’s a YouTuber that I follow named Prod. Riddiman. He makes lo-fi beats that are copyright free and free for profit use. His community is very collegial and collaborative about music and the process of creating art in general. Recently he hit 100K subscribers, which means he was awarded a YouTube Silver Play button. For this occasion, he did an unboxing video of the award as a way to celebrate the moment with all of us in the community. I watched and was excited for him, and headed to the comments to offer my congratulations.
The first comment was from Prod. Riddiman himself, and he wrote “Ugh, sorry I’m so awkward on camera.” This immediately struck me, like I was in shock reading it. Because his presence on camera would have been the absolute last thing on my mind. While watching the video I was proud of him. I was proud of the community that he organically built and was excited to be a part of this special moment.
I’ve been reflecting on his comment for a while now because I definitely saw myself in the way he responded. We often sabotage ourselves this way. We allow these negative thoughts and insecurities to live in our minds rent free, and they even get very comfortable squatting there. It makes me sad to think about because instead of celebrating with his fans, this YouTuber was obsessing over his camera presence. What types of celebrations and joyous moments am I missing out on because I’m replaying a small blunder over and over again in my head?
Moving forward I’ve decided to question every time I start to feel insecure and begin obsessing over small things. I will stop and ask myself, “Okay, but what if it wasn’t that weird? What if it wasn’t actually awkward? What if nobody even noticed? What if a few people noticed but they don’t even care?” By giving myself these other possibilities I can step outside of my own mind for a moment and gain some perspective. Most people are so busy in their own heads, obsessing over their own idiosyncrasies and missteps, that they don’t have the time or energy to dissect my every move.
There’s freedom in knowing people aren’t focused on you. You are the main character in only your own story, and merely an extra (or at most, recurring character) in everyone else’s. Sometimes we set impossible standards for ourselves based on made up perceptions we assume others have. It’s like we’re dwelling in an alternate reality where we think people care about all our little hang-ups. And the truth is they most certainly do not. So now I am actively choosing to be in a mental space where I have the freedom to be creative and innovative without fixating on other people’s hypothetical opinions of me.
Go enjoy each moment, and keep it moving despite the blunders because nobody cares anyway.