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Celebrate and Recalibrate

It’s the time of year when we’re all looking ahead and attempting to become our best selves; our ideal future selves. As we face 2019, we begin to envision all the goals we’d like to accomplish. All over social media I keep seeing the “New Year, New Me” mantra and I LOVE it. I know it’s kinda cheesy and cliche, but I greatly appreciate when people spend some time introspecting and dare to dream. It is daring and courageous to dream so I will always support that endeavor. And it irks me that we’ve made it “cool” to mock people who are at least setting intentions to improve themselves. Like ugh, who hurt you? Who hurt all of us?

Anyway, in true contrarian fashion, I often spend this time more focused on my past than the future. I like to do what I call an “In depth Year In Review.” And it’s basically exactly what it sounds like. I simply reflect (and record) what I did the past year. Apparently this type of technique has been popularized by Tim Ferris in what he calls a Past Year Review (PYR). My system has a bit of a different flavor, but it’s essentially the same idea. There are lots of different ways to do this, but I basically sit down and write all the notable things I did each month. For example, in October I took a road trip with my two best friends to Cincinnati, OH and we did a donut tour. Yes, you read that right. DONUT TOUR. 12 donut shops, 80 miles, 3 hours, sooooooo many donuts. We even got a passport that was stamped at each shop. I had a blast! And until I started my “Year In Review” I had kind of already forgotten about the trip. I ended up looking through my phone at all the pictures and videos and I was cracking myself up remembering all the great moments we had. Here’s a couple of my faves!

The focus of this exercise is to celebrate your achievements and reflect on the things that brought you joy. The nice thing about reviewing by month is that mostly big events and moments stick out in your mind. Tim Ferris and others use a more granular week by week assessment, but I ain’t got time for that. I don’t need to rack my brain trying to remember every single little detail. Chances are that if it’s that hard to dig the moment up, it probably wasn’t all that impactful anyway. So I just sit down and mentally picture each month and record what I did. I can also check through my photo galleries on my phone and social media to help jog my memory. The rationale being that if it was important enough at the time to take a photo, I’d likely want to remember it now. If I’m feeling super curious I can also peruse my posts on social media because it may give insight about how I was feeling regarding certain events. Do what works for you.

As I completed this exercise I began to recognize that there’s so much I have to be thankful for. SO MUCH. I have been very blessed, and I’d like to be more intentional this year in cultivating this practice of gratitude. Specifically, I don’t want to wait until next January to realize all the great things I’ve experienced throughout the year. Now I need to recalibrate.

My goal is to be more proactive about reflecting on precious moments and recording accomplishments as they happen. I’ve decided I will keep an accomplishments and notable moments journal for 2019. At first, I set a reminder to write in it at the end of every day. Then I thought about it and quickly changed my mind. That isn’t the kind of granularity that I need, and it’s highly unlikely that I’d keep up with it anyway. Instead, I opted to incorporate logging accomplishments as a part of my weekly review. On sundays, I typically take about 10 minutes to review my systems and habits to see overall how my task management is going. It’d be simple enough to also reflect on the things I’ve accomplished, and reasons to be thankful. In fact, that would probably even give me a boost of positivity and momentum as I plan for my next week.

Whatever system works best for you will determine how you implement this exercise. Just like with any tool, it should be optimized for your needs. The simple guiding principle of this task is that the more frequently you record, the more granular the accomplishments will be. I know that I won’t keep up with daily, but weekly is still fresh enough that I can think deeply about each day of the past week and capture anything meaningful.

So here’s to 2019. Let’s celebrate the moments as we go!

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Approaching Unicorn Status

Hmm. I need to get better at describing my business to people. When I describe it haphazardly it sounds like a little of everything and, at the same time, a lot of nothing. Yikes. I was caught off guard today when a professor I really admire asked me about my future goals. I kinda balked. I wanted to make it clear it was about writing and speaking primarily, but I ended up awkwardly talking a lot about the money aspect to validate that it’s a substantive career path. Then, I also started talking about comedy and improv and, looking back, it was a hot mess. I was trying to just say it all so quickly and it came out too quickly. Like word vomit. Not grool.

I seemed to have forgotten the basic rules of an elevator pitch. You give just a snippet, and if they’re interested, they’ll ask for more. Then you can feed it to them one digestible bite at a time. I know that I am capable of doing this with my business plans, because I’ve done it many times before. In fact, I did it masterfully just last week. After chatting with a colleague for a while about Find Mind Space (FMS) he said this in a follow up email, “Big props to you on taking your personal insight, packaging it, and delivering it in a digestible format for so many people that could use it. Definitely sign me up.”

So why did I screw it up this time? I think it happened for 2 reasons; 1) I was excited (and probably a little nervous) and 2) Because my plans are approaching unicorn status

Unicorn status, I’m intrigued. Tell me more. (Didn’t you know I’m a mind reader?)

I’m borrowing this term from the world of startup and venture capital. A unicorn simply refers to a startup that is valued over $1 billion. Today I read about a company called Zwift that is attempting to merge video games with group fitness. The CEO recently said the company is “approaching unicorn status” due to its latest round of funding and because of its big ambitions. They want to make home workouts more interactive, immersive, social and eventually “bring Zwift to the Olympics.” Whoa.

Those are some big goals. And when I read the blurb about it in The Hustle and Techcrunch I kept thinking, “dude slow down a sec.” They went from 0 to 100 so fast that I couldn’t keep up. I could track the initial popularity of the company, but admittedly I struggled with seeing how this could have anything to do with the Olympics. And that’s coming from someone who is very open to big ideas. Then it hit me that this is the same issue I’m having when describing FMS, my new project.

I have been developing the ideas for FMS for the past 3 years. There are so many potential avenues to explore and areas where we can make a real impact. So when people ask me what’s next, it all comes gushing out. I’m talking about the Olympics and they’re really just wondering what I plan to do after I graduate. Moving forward it’s going to take a lot of self-control to not dump all my long term plans and ambitions on people all at once.

When I think about Find Mind Space and our future I see us approaching unicorn status (not so much the $1 billion valuation part, but more the huge ambitions of changing the world and making a real lasting impact part). Nevertheless, it isn’t my job right now to convince anyone of that trajectory. Right now my job is to explain who we are and what we’re about in a clear and concise manner.

So for my future elevator pitches, here’s my brief explanation:

Me: I’m not planning to go the traditional route in academia once I graduate.
Person: Oh, so what are you planning to do?
Me: I am starting my own company that will focus on science communication and student advocacy. I’m very passionate about increasing academic success and improving graduate student quality of life.
Person: So how will you do that? How will you meet those goals?
Me: I will mainly create digital resources across a variety of platforms (e.g. podcasts, blogs, online courses, ebooks, etc) and also do in-person advocacy in the form of speaking engagements and workshops.
Person: What about your research?
Me: I still plan to research how people can successfully navigate various social contexts and environments. It’s basically taking my current research with voles, and looking at a more applied perspective in humans.
Person: That sounds really cool! And it sounds like it’s a great integration of your interests and expertise.
Me: Yeah, I’m very excited about it all!

Then once I’ve laid the groundwork, it’ll be up to whoever I’m talking with to inquire about more specific details concerning where FMS is headed. Huzzah!

After some reflection I feel a bit better about my train wreck of an explanation earlier. At least I turned it into a teachable moment and was able to salvage something from my embarrassment. And at the end of the day, deep down, I truly do believe that FMS is approaching unicorn status, but I’m fine with not trying to convince anyone anytime soon.

So you’ll just have to take my word for it.

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How to stay grounded when you’re lacking motivation and productivity

Yesterday, my friend Cassie was messaging me about grad school. She is planning to go back to school after being in the workforce for 5+ years and is currently studying for the GRE. She texted me and said, “Studying is hard. How do you stay motivated?”

And my answer was simple.

I don’t.

I don’t stay motivated. Some days I feel like I can accomplish anything. I feel like each item on my to-do list is no match for me and my killer productivity instinct. I feel unstoppable. Sometimes. Many other times I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I’m never going to catch up on all the readings, meetings, experiments, statistics, and manuscript drafts. I feel like I’m sinking and drowning. Some days I feel like a failure. I feel like an imposter and that I shouldn’t even bother today because my best won’t be good enough. Instead, I just want to curl up in my bed and watch netflix. I feel all of these things, thankfully never all at once. So how do I tackle such an arduous and long task, like grad school, when my day to day motivation changes so much?

I am kind to myself. I am kind, forgiving, and I extend myself grace.

I told my friend Cassie, “The key is to not beat yourself up. It’s ok that motivation ebbs and flows.”

I’ve learned that when I’m less than productive, being upset with myself does very little to actually solve the problem. It’s then that I just end up feeling anxious, depressed, AND unproductive.

I told Cassie that the goal is to be disciplined but also be reasonable.

The funny thing about this whole exchange was that, in the moment, I had been feeling pretty anxious about my current productivity. I knew that I was doing “ok” but I also knew that I need to step it up a few notches to meet my graduation goals. So I was feeling that pressure and feeling a bit uneasy because of it. It was funny to see that I was so willing to tell another to stay grounded, while losing my own perspective.

After chatting with her I was headed out to another engagement. On the walk over I put on my favorite playlist; the one I retreat to when I’m wound up and I just need to be calmed down. Those hand picked songs, on my aptly named “chill” playlist, help to keep me centered.

I also have a playlist on youtube called “Chill Vibes” with many of those same songs that calm me down. Feel free to check it out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rjH98cvqsg&list=PLKxHeK7x9xNIk4dA2OOG2LKO6cYOwHeu3

In those 10 minutes of walking I briefly reviewed everything I had done that week. Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of our action items completed when we feel like our to-do list isn’t getting any shorter. I took that time to remind myself that I am ok. I am worthy, competent, and wise. And although there are still things unfinished, look at what I HAVE accomplished thus far. And in those 10 minutes I remembered that I’m doing fine. I’m doing better than fine, in fact, I’m doing great. And it’s okay to acknowledge that you occasionally miss the mark because this doesn’t negate all the great things you have done.

I am always greatly encouraged by Ben Franklin’s quote:

“I was surprised to find myself much fuller of faults than I had imagined, but I had the satisfaction of seeing them diminish.”

Even Ben Franklin acknowledged his weaknesses. And he was also kind in recognizing that each day was a chance to improve and close that gap in performance.

Give yourself that same opportunity. Give yourself the space and grace to forgive yourself when you’re not always motivated or productive. It’s ok.

Be kind. Be disciplined. Be reasonable.
And keep going.

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Go after it

Recently I spoke with a good friend of mine, another senior graduate student in my department. We had just talked with a faculty job candidate interviewing in our department. The candidate was having lunch with a small group of us grad students when she made this seemingly innocuous comment; “I’ve seen places where the faculty feel strongly that students not going into academia are making a mistake and throwing their lives away. Like the faculty are unable to mentor students not heading to tenure track positions. That’s garbage!”.

Whew. My chest got tight and I took a shallow breath when she said this. It was because I knew that sentiment all too well. Once I complete my PhD, I am considering other career options beyond the traditional tenure track route. There have been many faculty in my department that have been less than thrilled with my decision; some even remarking that it’s a shame that “certain demographics” tend to leave academia. Yeah. I know. We could have a whole separate conversation breaking down systemic reasons for low retention of women, and underrepresented people in the academy, but alas that’s not what this post is about. This post is about being bold and relentless in striving for what you want.

As my friend and I chatted in the hallway after the meeting, we shared our experiences about considering life outside of academia. Both of our stories had many parallels. Mostly, they overlapped when discussing depression and generally feeling miserable at a certain point in grad school. I haven’t told my story fully here but I intend to in due time. There was about a year and a half period between my 4th and 5th year of grad school where I was floundering. I couldn’t help asking, “Is this it?” “Is this what I’m resigned to for the rest of my life in academia?”. I was so disillusioned, discouraged, and downright unhappy. I kept telling myself, “you’ll snap out of it”. I got help and I started seeing a therapist. I began taking medication for anxiety. I did all the “right” things. However, I still was deeply unhappy and unfulfilled. Things only began to get better about a year ago. It was in January 2018 that I finally was able to admit to myself that I didn’t want to pursue a tenure track position at a big research institution. Whoa. I’ve been convinced since I was 16 years old that THAT was exactly who I would become.

We shared in the hallway all the ways people have tried to discourage these decisions to leave academia. They imply that maybe you’re just in a rut and that there’s so much more to look forward to that you just can’t see as a grad student. But I contend that THIS is the clearest I’ve seen in years. It IS scary. I will admit that my next steps would be simpler if I was following the traditional path, but I have found something now that brings me so such fulfillment and purpose. I have found my why.

Why.
Why do I get up in the morning? What inspires me to work hard every day? Why do I do what I do, day in and day out?

My why is teaching, inspiring, mentoring, and empowering others. When I’m doing those things, my life is in order and I feel like I can accomplish anything.

I shared with my friend how I felt after my last two speaking engagements (One I gave in June at my high school alma mater and the other was a workshop for teen scholars I led over Thanksgiving break). I shared the raw emotions and sheer unbridled joy that I experienced in being able to see the direct impact I was having on future students’ lives. It was powerful and palpable, and was a sense of purpose that my research alone hasn’t been able to come close to delivering in a long time.

As I attempted to explain all these feelings my friend began to tear up. She said that my passion had greatly inspired her. Little did she know her own reaction was also so very impactful. It reminded me that, as graduate students, we need to see others pursuing their dreams and fighting for things that matter to them; especially when it involves a life beyond the tenure track pathway.

I just started reading How to Be a Bawse by Lilly Singh. She is an incredible woman, a force of nature, and I look up to her on so many levels. I highly recommend reading this book. This morning I read this statement that really resonated with me, “Your happiness is stronger than [your] fear.”

I was afraid to admit that my career was moving beyond what I thought it would always be in academia. I was really scared. Terrified. I didn’t want to acknowledge that my academic dream wasn’t the life I wanted anymore. And yet, I was more willing to be miserable for nearly two years than to face the truth. Well, I’m not willing to make that trade any longer. I’m choosing happiness and purpose on my own terms. Is there more uncertainty along this path? Certainly, hehe. But I’d rather step out boldly and confidently into the unknown than remain undeveloped and unfulfilled where it’s safe.

It’s because my happiness is so much bigger than my fear.
And so is yours.
So go after it.

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Inchworms

Recently, I started doing CrossFit. Which has the opposite rule of fight club: The first rule of CrossFit is to never stop talking about CrossFit. It’s been very challenging physically, but the most fulfilling thing psychologically that I’ve done in a long time. You quickly learn that you are capable of so much more than you thought. But you only realize that as you push yourself to your limits. Which I would never do on my own. I like living comfortably within my limits. But when my coach asks me to do something, I try my best. I don’t say coach I can’t. I try. Sometimes I fail and will need a modification (that is, an easier movement that still has the full range of motion of the movement prescribed, but more accommodating to my physical limitations). The thing is, I never just assume I need a modification. I always try it first. Sometimes I can barely do one, or sometimes I can do one but very very slowly. At times my coach will say, good job Marissa, now let’s modify this a bit, or he’ll say good job Marissa, keep at it, I don’t care how long it takes you’re building great strength & form. Which leads me to one of my least favorite movements. The inchworm.

This inchworm is very similar to a sun salutation in yoga. I stand feet together, or hip length apart then bending down using my hands I inch out my body walking out to a plank (or push up position). From there I do a push up. Then I walk my hands back to my feet and stand up again. I do this all while making sure my knees never bend. My legs should be fully extended the entire time. Whew! And that is only ONE rep. We are typically asked to do 10 of these. TEN! I’m proud to say that I don’t need a modification, but also it takes me about x3 as long to complete these as everyone else in my class. And man, it’s a blow to my ego. I like to be the best at everything I can. But I am NOT the best at inchworms, or burpees for that matter but we’ll save that for another conversation.

The cool thing about the inchworms is that they represent both challenge and triumph. When standing in the starting position, it feels like how in the world am I gonna complete 10 of these? But then you do it. Not all at once. But one inch at a time. One hand walking out after the other. And each time you stand again, you realize you’re that much closer to completing the assignment. I’ve been thinking a lot about the inches in my life. You see, I’ve been re-reading The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson [1]. It’s a reminder that every accomplishment is about one step, one decision, one inch at a time, compounded over and over again.

I was reading a chapter earlier this week. One quote stood out to me, “Greatness is always in the moment of the decision.” Greatness is one of those big powerful words. I’m like the hyenas in The Lion King trembling over the word Mufasa. “Oooh say it again! Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!” I spend a lot of time thinking about words like greatness and legacy and impact. These words evoke so much more in me than a word like success. I often think of greatness, legacy, etc as being on a large scale of time, something amazing and grandiose amassed over a lifetime of excellence. But greatness isn’t made once we all recognize the accolades and accomplishments. It’s made way before that. In the daily decisions. In the inches. So this morning I grabbed my yoga mat, and went into the living room and completed 5 inchworms. FIVE! And honestly, it wasn’t as difficult as I imagined. There was a lot of resistance to get started, but once I put those hands out one at a time, inch by inch I felt more and more confident. Pretty soon, I know I’ll be able to do 10 quickly, or 20 or 30 or 50. I know, because I’ve already got what it takes. I’ve got the willingness to start, to try, one inch at a time.

[1] I highly recommend reading this book. It’s a quick read, and it helps you get into the mindset that you can accomplish pretty much anything. It doesn’t promise some magic formula. Instead The Slight Edge helps to point out the tools you already possess, encouraging you to see that you’re more than capable of making “it” happen. You just need to show up, and stick with it day in and day out. Seriously, go read the book.

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Chalk it up

 

I am very competitive. I have an all or nothing attitude and that means I must be the best at everything I try. Because of this, I’m known to quit a lot of things I start. You see, if I’m not immediately good at it I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m done. My therapist says that’s the mark of a perfectionist.

When she first told me this three years ago I couldn’t believe it. Me? A perfectionist? Get real. To me a perfectionist is someone with a type A personality who keeps all their affairs in order and their living spaces pristine. I was way too sloppy, too disorganized, too “fly by the seat of my pants” to ever be considered someone who strives for perfection. Or at least that’s what I thought.

This all or nothing attitude that I thought gave me a competitive edge, has actually had crippling effects on my day to day productivity. I often push important tasks back because I feel I don’t have adequate time to complete them in a way that’s “just right”. But that isn’t the main issue, because I eventually get to these tasks. The issue is how I decide if my day was a success or a failure based on the completion of these tasks.

I imagine a board with a line drawn straight down the middle and I need to categorize each day. Either I accomplished what I set out to do and I succeeded, or I didn’t, meaning that I failed. This has been very tough for me, in that I tend to be very hard on myself. If I’m not consciously thinking about giving myself grace, it seems I will always decide that a day was wasted. Chalk another one up for the failure column. But as I’ve taken time to pause and think about what I accomplished in the day, I realized that it all can’t be a complete waste. I can’t chalk it all up to failure. Sure, maybe I intended to get more done, but I cannot act like everything I did was meaningless.

Today was one of those days. I sit typing this at nearly 8pm and I still have yet to complete some of the most important tasks I wanted to get done today. Earlier in the evening I could feel myself getting down and feeling like a failure. Then I had to remember the other great things that happened today. For one, I finally remembered to get my blood drawn. This seems insignificant, but my doctor ordered the labs over a week ago and I kept forgetting to go. Or if I did remember, it was after I had already eaten and the labs required at least 8 hours of fasting. So it was no small victory to follow through and get these tests done. Another cool thing I did today was that I talked to my brother for over an hour. We hadn’t talked in a few weeks since he’s switched to night shift and it’s difficult to find a time to call. Well after my blood work I left to get lunch and chatted with him during that time and while I caught up on emails.

So when thinking about how to categorize my day, if I spend a little more time being self-aware I can easily find two things to be thankful for. I was able to keep up with my medical care and I was also able to connect with a loved one that I care about deeply. It may not be how I intended to spend part of my day, but nevertheless it was time well spent.

Everyday I want to remind myself that it’s okay if things don’t go as planned. It’s okay if I didn’t finish the items on my to-do list. Missing the mark on a few tasks doesn’t automatically send the day straight to the failure column. My life is more than all or nothing. Today and everyday I aim to chalk it up to a day well spent.

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Welcome!

Hi there. This blog is one of the many ways in which I want to help you find your mind space. Life comes at us pretty fast, and at times it’s hard to make sense of everything happening around us. That’s why it’s so important to take a breather and check-in with ourselves. Sometimes we just need a moment to laugh, to grief, to think deeply about an intriguing topic, or to get excited about the little things that bring us joy. All of these moments help us to live healthy and well adjusted lives. And here in this space, I intend to share writing with you that will do just that. So take a deep breath, grab a cup of coffee or tea, and ENJOY!