I am very competitive. I have an all or nothing attitude and that means I must be the best at everything I try. Because of this, I’m known to quit a lot of things I start. You see, if I’m not immediately good at it I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m done. My therapist says that’s the mark of a perfectionist.
When she first told me this three years ago I couldn’t believe it. Me? A perfectionist? Get real. To me a perfectionist is someone with a type A personality who keeps all their affairs in order and their living spaces pristine. I was way too sloppy, too disorganized, too “fly by the seat of my pants” to ever be considered someone who strives for perfection. Or at least that’s what I thought.
This all or nothing attitude that I thought gave me a competitive edge, has actually had crippling effects on my day to day productivity. I often push important tasks back because I feel I don’t have adequate time to complete them in a way that’s “just right”. But that isn’t the main issue, because I eventually get to these tasks. The issue is how I decide if my day was a success or a failure based on the completion of these tasks.
I imagine a board with a line drawn straight down the middle and I need to categorize each day. Either I accomplished what I set out to do and I succeeded, or I didn’t, meaning that I failed. This has been very tough for me, in that I tend to be very hard on myself. If I’m not consciously thinking about giving myself grace, it seems I will always decide that a day was wasted. Chalk another one up for the failure column. But as I’ve taken time to pause and think about what I accomplished in the day, I realized that it all can’t be a complete waste. I can’t chalk it all up to failure. Sure, maybe I intended to get more done, but I cannot act like everything I did was meaningless.
Today was one of those days. I sit typing this at nearly 8pm and I still have yet to complete some of the most important tasks I wanted to get done today. Earlier in the evening I could feel myself getting down and feeling like a failure. Then I had to remember the other great things that happened today. For one, I finally remembered to get my blood drawn. This seems insignificant, but my doctor ordered the labs over a week ago and I kept forgetting to go. Or if I did remember, it was after I had already eaten and the labs required at least 8 hours of fasting. So it was no small victory to follow through and get these tests done. Another cool thing I did today was that I talked to my brother for over an hour. We hadn’t talked in a few weeks since he’s switched to night shift and it’s difficult to find a time to call. Well after my blood work I left to get lunch and chatted with him during that time and while I caught up on emails.
So when thinking about how to categorize my day, if I spend a little more time being self-aware I can easily find two things to be thankful for. I was able to keep up with my medical care and I was also able to connect with a loved one that I care about deeply. It may not be how I intended to spend part of my day, but nevertheless it was time well spent.
Everyday I want to remind myself that it’s okay if things don’t go as planned. It’s okay if I didn’t finish the items on my to-do list. Missing the mark on a few tasks doesn’t automatically send the day straight to the failure column. My life is more than all or nothing. Today and everyday I aim to chalk it up to a day well spent.