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Overcoming my obsession with improvement

I originally wrote this piece a week ago. Tomorrow is the big day and I couldn’t be more excited! The reflection I wrote below has everything to do with how great I’m feeling now.

Mental Prep for Murph

This past week I remembered that Murph is coming up soon, and I felt literal dread.

Murph is a hero workout (WOD) in Crossfit that is done every Memorial Day to honor a Navy Seal, the late Michael Murphy. To learn more about the workout and why we do it, check out this article. In short, Murph is once a year, and it’s a really big deal.

The workout entails:
1 mile run
100 pull-ups
200 push-ups
300 squats
1 mile run
All For Time

I felt a knot in my stomach. I felt horrible because I remember how badly I felt mentally and emotionally after last year’s Murph.

I did worse in 2019 (by like a minute or 2) than I did in 2018. I was so upset because through Crossfit I’m supposed to see continued improvement in my fitness, not go backwards. Even during the brunch and celebration my gym had afterwards, I was a little withdrawn.

I think it’s my perfectionism–no, I KNOW it’s my perfectionism. I put so much pressure on myself to continually be moving forward that when I have a bad performance my reflex is to criticize and berate myself for all my previous decisions. I literally was thinking of all the missed workouts and poor food choices and saying to myself, “Way to effing go! I can’t believe you’ve done this?!”

But that doesn’t help at all. After a day or two of my pity party, I tried to channel that energy into future training (similar to Mat Fraser’s strategy after the 2015 games). I said, you know what, what’s done is done. I’m gonna focus on 2020 Murph. I have a whole year to get my fitness life together and crush Murph like never before.

*In SpongeBob narrator voice* One year later

Welp, that didn’t happen. In fact, I’m arguably in way worse shape than last year. And that’s not accounting for Covid-19. It was as early as November-ish 2019 when I just sort of fell off the wagon. I don’t recall anything dramatic happening that led to this. Instead I just slowly stopped showing up, slowly started eating takeout way more, and by the end of the year I was not looking like much of an athlete.

So now what? Well, in the time of Covid I’m learning a lot about my mental fitness. I’ve trained so much of my mindset through 2 years of CFI (CrossFit of Ithaca). I am mentally tougher than I’ve ever been. And a lot of that recent growth was due to mentally trying to return to Crossfit in early 2020 after falling off the wagon. It was tough to see brand new people crushing their fitness goals. Meanwhile, here’s me, the supposed 2-year veteran who is noticeably heavier and less mobile.

But I had to celebrate how far I’ve come. I think of it like a graph of the stock market or any measurement over time. We can go up and down, high and low, but the x-axis of the graph keeps extending to the right. Time keeps going. That prolonged impact of being a Crossfit athlete isn’t negligible. And it’s not like that experience gets totally canceled out by a low point on the y-axis of the graph. I’m still making forward progress.

It’s easy to be psyched about being an athlete when you feel you’re at your peak. It’s really really tough when you’re trying to approach a workout while also having contempt for your out-of-shape body. That’s when I had to stop and recalibrate. I REFUSED to disrespect my body that way.

Crossfit and my performance during a workout should always feel POWERFUL, not punitive. I needed to re-shift my perspective and show gratitude for all that my body can do. One way I do this is by doing lunges.

When I started Crossfit I couldn’t even touch the floor with my knee doing a lunge. I had to hold on to a post, and I could still only lower my knee a little. My knee was probably still a good 8 inches from the floor. Now I can lunge, I can do walking lunges and Samson lunges, I can do a lunge with a 35lb dumbbell on my shoulder, and I can lunge with a 35lb dumbbell extended overhead. That’s wild to me! That kind of improvement in strength, mobility, and range of motion cannot be captured on a scale. And for that I’m grateful.

I love that recently my gym adopted the motto “Health. Happiness. Gratitude.”

It could not sum up my new goals more perfectly. These 3 words became my beacon, my north star. I remember that I’m still making progress forward for my health. I feel happy when I can complete a WOD and be more intentional about my nutrition because I know I am prioritizing my health. And I am grateful for my body, my coaches, and my CFI community that make it all happen.

So next Monday, a week from today as I write this, I will complete Murph for the third time. I’m not even looking up my times from the last years because I don’t care.

Yes, self-improvement is usually important, but at what cost? I’ve come to realize something important about my unhealthy obsession.


The pursuit of ruthless and unrelenting self-improvement is merely a mask for perfectionism.

I’m done wearing that mask.

I’m going to do my best, and I’m going to celebrate another year of fitness. I’m going to feel like a rockstar when I’m completing the workout.

I will be so happy and so full of gratitude!

I may not be as strong or as fast as I was last year, but I know I am mentally much tougher.

No matter how long you stray off course, what’s between your ears doesn’t atrophy.

Bring it on.

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Finding the Groove

Photo by Skitterphoto from Pexels

It’s been about a month now of working from home. I think the official count is about 5-6 weeks. It has taken me this long to settle into something familiar and to feel like I actually have a handle on the days as they go by. In fact I feel like I’m actually living each day rather than letting the days simply go past me.

One of the most important things I did was do a full reset. I cleared everything. I wiped away any type of schedule or preexisting flow of work I had before the quarantine. I had a few Zoom meetings each week that I couldn’t avoid, but other than those 2-3 commitments per week, I spent the time how I wanted. I explained my situation to my supervisor (PI) and my professor, who I am TA-ing for this semester. I explained that I was NOT okay, and that my mental health was hanging in the balance. Both were very understanding and did their best to help me and give me the space and time I needed.

I started from scratch and slowly built daily routines. One of the first things I decided to do was leave my bedroom. That was a BIG step. With the world at my fingertips, it was easy to scroll through my phone all day. I just said to myself, “You know what? You have to get up and go in to the living room / dining room area once you’re fully awake.” There were no stipulations beyond that: just get up and literally sit upright lol.

Once in the living room area, I began opening the curtains and blinds to add more natural light. I then decided to make a cup of tea. Next, I chose to light the candle that’s on my dining room table. Afterwards, I started listening to a few podcasts. Then I wanted to do something with my hands while I listened to podcasts or video lectures on YouTube. I decided to color while I listened.

I went and dug out a coloring book calendar that my very talented friend Cassie made a couple years ago. The calendar is called Color Tompkins County, and you could color popular landmarks and seasonal events that happen in our town each month. It was awesome and surprisingly soothing to color and to also see and be reminded of the beauty of where I live. I desperately needed that reminder while stuck at home all day. Eventually I went from coloring to sketching and drawing. I walked to the pharmacy a few blocks from my house and bought a sketchpad for $2. (Okay, it’s actually a legal pad / writing tablet, but it has white pages and doesn’t have any lines, so I’m calling it a sketchbook. Lemme live my life!) 

Eventually I started taking daily walks and listening to new albums from music artists I’ve been meaning to check out but never had the time. I also started reading more and listening to a ton of audiobooks and podcasts. And then I started journaling. I began writing just 10 minutes a day. That’s actually what I’m doing right now. (Though admittedly I’m on my second 10 minutes; sometimes you can’t stop, okay?) Slowly but surely my spark started to come back.

By creating something daily – journaling, coloring, sketching, etc.- I was able to slowly lure out such a fundamental part of myself. I am the most happy and thriving version of myself when I’m creating something. Whether I’m researching a problem, envisioning a solution, or trying to come up with effective strategies to advocate for others, it’s always about drawing out and expanding upon these ideas that I have way down deep. But for the better part of these last five weeks, I hadn’t had the energy to coax this creativity out.

Sometimes when we discuss being in a “rut” and how to get out of it, we talk over and over and over again about discipline, willpower, and how “You’ve gotta be willing to get uncomfortable!”. That’s all well and good for some people, but the older I get the more I realize how that doesn’t work for me. I need space. I need quiet. I need a blank slate to slowly rebuild routine and familiar habits. I need space in order to find the groove.

In February, I was reading this book called Present Over Perfect, by Shauna Niequist. I learned a lot about the power of slowing down for your sanity and for the sustainability of your daily life. In one chapter she talks about the groove. She uses a metaphor of her partner playing the bass. He creates these silky smooth and very groovy baselines all the time. And the mark of a good baseline isn’t a ton of notes. It’s actually the spaces between the notes. The smoothness of the groove is created in the margins. The groove is found in the margins, in the composition of the rhythm, and also in the margins we keep in our lives.

I’m learning to protect the margins in my life and resist the urge to fill every single space in order to be “more productive.” It has made a world of difference, and I want the same for you. Create the space where you can flourish, and your spark can come alive again. Find your mental clarity in the stillness, in the time dedicated just for you, where you can get just what you need.

Slow down, reset, and take care of yourself.
Find your mind space.

Give yourself a chance to find the groove.

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Laughing Out Loud: Find something funny everyday

I’ve been told my whole life that I have a great laugh. It is very distinguishable. It’s got some cackles, some wheezing, and some big boisterous belly laughs. I love to laugh. It’s rare to not see me with a smile on my face, ready to tell you the dumbest joke I recently heard. My laugh is so very recognizable when I’m in public. Once I went to see a movie in an old timey movie theatre in my college town. The theatre was called The Lyric and it had this really cool balcony. Once I was seeing a movie, and a friend later told me, “I knew you were in the movie theatre with me, because I heard you up in the balcony laughing.”

People whom I haven’t seen in person in YEARS remark on social media how much they love my laugh. It’s nuts. Well it’s even more nuts now because I have a permanent reminder on my arm. 

That’s right, I got a tattoo of my laugh. 

Here’s a brief backstory

In 2018 I was on skype with my roommate and she made me laugh. It was a complete surprise and she totally caught me off guard. She was literally in the other room and she was helping me troubleshoot some recording software. I was recording our conversation from skype via audacity for a podcast interview later that evening. 

And there in the recording was my laugh. 

Not a set-up manufactured laugh, but a pure, natural, laugh. 

I thought omg, I have to get this tattooed. So I did. Like an hour later Jen (the very same roommate, who has many tattoos) took me to a tattoo parlor to make my appointment. And then exactly 24 hours later I was getting the stencil of my spectrogram (sound wave) inked onto my forearm. It still seems unreal to me as I look down at my arm.

Every time I look at my arm it reminds me to smile. It reminds me to take a moment to find joy and laughter in everything. It reminds me of the positive impact that I have on those around me. It’s an everlasting reminder to laugh. To laugh often. To laugh loud.

With everything going on in the world today I especially need that reminder now. I’ve been trying to stay off of social media lately because it’s been…well A LOT. Between Coronavirus, the 2020 election, climate change, and the stock market my head starts spinning after 10 minutes online. 

Be intentional about the content you’re consuming. Step away from things that actively make you feel bad. And remember to laugh. 

Find any excuse to laugh, and laugh LOUD.

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4 tips for making the most of summer (Part Two)

Here I continue my list of 4 things that helped me make this summer one of the best I’ve had since being in grad school. Previously I’ve really struggled with productivity around this time of year but implementing these strategies made a huge difference.  It’s kind of funny that when I focused on things beyond the lab, my life improved in all areas (including academics).

Part Two: Soaking up sunshine & sweet new skills

3. Make a deliberate effort to enjoy the perks of summer

I don’t know about where you live geographically, but I truly hope that it is as beautiful as my city is in the summer. I live in Ithaca, New York where it’s very cold, grey, and snowy from October to April. So the few months where it’s actually warm and sunny are so much more precious to me. I’m fortunate to live in an area with lots of nature trails, gorges, waterfalls, lakes, etc. There’s so much to do outdoors, and I want to make sure I get the chance to experience it while the weather is so cooperative. 

This is the reason why I started to make deliberate plans each week to do at least one thing that is “totally summer”. A totally summer activity is anything that allows me to be in the sun, get some fresh air, and take in nature. Currently, I’ve been gardening with a friend on Sunday afternoons. It’s something where I’m a total novice and I love every second of it. I have so much fun learning this new skill, all while my hands are in the dirt and the sun is on my back. This is a protected time, and I look forward to it every week. When my gardening plans get rained out on a sunday (which has happened more times than I hoped) I make other plans to enjoy the lake or go for a hike. The whole point is that I prioritize having summer experiences.

In the past when I was swarmed with work, it was easy to let the summer slip by. I said no to so many “totally summer” opportunities because I was “too busy”. In my mind I had too many deadlines and just too many tasks to complete to be able to spend three hours at the lake. But you know what? The work was still there. The work will ALWAYS still be there. Summer won’t always be here though. So take a few moments and go soak up a little sun. Even if it’s just going for a ten minute walk each day around lunch time, do something. This small action had a tremendous effect on me in that now I truly felt like I enjoyed and maximized my summer rather than (feeling it was fleeting/drifting past me) it just moving on and passing me by. 

 

4. Optimize your learning potential

During the school year I’m a part of a journal club that meets every Tuesday afternoon. For those unfamiliar, this is basically like a book club but instead we discuss a paper/research article published in a scientific journal. One of the professors that runs this particular journal club has a phrase he uses whenever a meeting is canceled or we end things for the semester. He proudly proclaims, “Enjoy your newfound hour!”. It’s such a great saying and has really shaped my perspective about recovering time. Once he said this, I made a point to do something meaningful with that particular hour block rather than wasting it. 

Summer affords a lot of “newfound hours” because all the classes, meetings, journal clubs, etc that normally take up our time have been suspended. When this suddenly opens up your schedule how do you capitalize? I’ve decided that I would specifically use some of these newfound hours to learn new skills. I have wanted to learn to code for many years, but I always made excuses that I couldn’t fit it into my schedule. Well with formal class instruction having officially ended, I now know for a fact that there are hours available. Thus I’m making the time to learn coding.

You may be thinking “that’s easy for you to say Marissa” but during the summer is when I’m actually the busiest. Maybe you have field work, or you’re running a ton of participants/experiments, or you have joined a competitive juggling league (I don’t know your life). Regardless of the circumstances, I think this is a tip you can utilize. Try to dedicate one “newfound hour” a week to learn something new. And it doesn’t need to be all at once. Maybe it’s 3 times a week for 20 minutes. Also, what you choose to learn doesn’t have to be something strictly related to your research. I’m learning a programming language mainly for research reasons, but I know it will have many other benefits. Maybe you want to use a language learning app like DuoLingo or perhaps you’d just like to read more. It doesn’t matter what you choose I’m just urging you to learn something. 

This tip is partially about being productive and feeling really efficient, but it’s mostly about improving your sense of self and motivation. As academics we love to learn and tend to get excited about new information. Grad school can really make us forget that. We can get so swept up in the day to day and constant deadlines that we neglect to do things that nourish our intellectual curiosity. So spend an hour a week doing something that mentally stimulates you and re-stoke that flame. For every single hour that I “wasn’t working” but instead dedicated to this pursuit it has paid immense dividends many times over. The return on investment is so high because I returned to my work with more vigor, more motivation and with a newfound spark. So seriously, do it. I mean, what do you have to lose?

All in all, these 4 things made my summer absolutely amazing. My hope is that you can utilize some of these strategies for summers to come. Best of luck, go enjoy the sunshine while you can.

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4 tips for making the most of summer (Part One)

I’ve always found summer to be a tricky time as an academic. Once I explain to well meaning family and friends that I don’t “Get the summer off” and I’m finally done grading, it’s time to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Or at least that’s how I’d like it to go in my head. In reality, there’s typically some putzing around between the end of the semester and really getting into a summer flow. Then there’s the incredible expectation that you’re going to complete ALL THE THINGS now that so much time is freed up from instruction ending. And not far behind is the wonderful guilt and dread that you’re not maximizing your summer productivity the way you should. Oof. It can be a lot. And then you look up and the fall semester is about to start again. 

This year was the first time in a long time that I handled the transition pretty smoothly, and it finally feels like a summer that will be filled much more with anticipation and excitement than anxiety and existential dread. So cheers to finally figuring this summer academic thing out! Naturally I want to share some of the things I’ve learned in the hopes that you’ll be able to get the most out of your summer. This piece ended up being longer than anticipated so I’ve broken it into two parts. Enjoy!

Part One: Starting Over & Setting Intentions

1.  Execute a Hard Reset

Traditionally I see a dip in my productivity and motivation right after the semester ends. I think I’m just really tired; physically, cognitively, and emotionally tired. So I struggle to just jump right up and start cranking out summer tasks, because I feel drained. And then that creates the aforementioned guilt about not doing enough. The hardest part for me is contending with the long unstructured days. During the semester I need to be on campus every morning by 9 or 930am. In the summer I might have a meeting in the afternoon but that’s it. As a result my mornings tend to extend longer and longer at home. This is a trap. And luckily this year I did something different that broke the cycle and gave me a clean slate. I went home.

I went home to Virginia Beach the first weekend in June. It was lovely to see friends and family and relax, but more than anything it helped me create a clear boundary between the end of spring semester and the start of my summer. I returned to Ithaca with more clarity and focus, and was prepared to start tackling my summer goals. 

The second part of this hard reset involving completely rebuilding my daily routines and plans. It was no longer effective to try and edit my spring schedule because too many things had changed. I decided to craft a schedule and routine that best fit my new goals and expectations. Here’s the key part. Define your summer goals based on the real YOU. Not the fantasy super productive summer hero version of you from your dreams. I don’t know what it is about summer that makes us all think we’re suddenly the productivity version of the hulk. “Hulk SMASH this deadline! Hulk conquer ALL of to-do list!” Nah. We’re Bruce Banner on our best day but with 0 of his 7 PhDs. 

Create systems and habits based on the current version of you, not the ideal version of you. Make realistic goals based on who you are and what will make you the most satisfied at the end of the summer. What amount of work or things accomplished would make you say, “Aah job well done. I did that!”? Figure out what THAT is and then reverse engineer your routines to meet those standards. 

2.  Start each day with intention

I watched this video on YouTube about how Benjamin Franklin structured his day and I was greatly inspired. During the summer when schedules are in flux, it can be tough to nail down a good routine. There were many parts of Franklin’s daily tasks that were worth copying, and the most impactful one for me was how he started each day. Every morning he’d take a moment and ask, “What good shall I do this day?”. 

I think it’s a very succinct and direct way to inquire how you will utilize the day before you. It’s so easy in grad school to just feel like you’re running around putting out fire after fire. Oh…and your bucket has a bunch of holes in it. Oh…and an accelerant was used so new fires keep popping up despite how many you’ve put out. I learned that I needed to take a moment to pause. I couldn’t keep rolling out of bed and grabbing my bucket and sprinting off like a mad woman. I needed clarity, focus, and intention.

So I set an alarm every morning on my phone. It doesn’t wake me, it’s programmed to go off after I’ve been up for around an hour. The alarm says “Set Intention”, mainly because “What good shall I do this day?”, is too long for the text limit. Now this is different than a to-do list. My daily intention is never a group of tasks. It’s always something a bit more abstract, more of an attitude or mindset that will influence how I will tackle the tasks of the day. For example, if I have a bunch of writing to do my Intention is something like, “Be Diligent & Disciplined.” This sets the tone for everything I do during the day. So if I’m scrolling social media on my phone during a block I’ve dedicated to writing a manuscript a little voice in my head will ask, are you being diligent and disciplined? And it’s the nudge I need to refocus on my goal. In a way, it’s really about making a commitment to myself in the morning and then following through.

This exercise provides the boundaries that I need to have a productive day. And it’s also important at the end of the day to re-evaluate how well I stuck to my intention. It’s day to day motivation and accountability rolled into one; a win-win. 

That covers 2 out of 4 tips, stay tuned for more.
To be continued in Part Two.

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Celebrate and Recalibrate

It’s the time of year when we’re all looking ahead and attempting to become our best selves; our ideal future selves. As we face 2019, we begin to envision all the goals we’d like to accomplish. All over social media I keep seeing the “New Year, New Me” mantra and I LOVE it. I know it’s kinda cheesy and cliche, but I greatly appreciate when people spend some time introspecting and dare to dream. It is daring and courageous to dream so I will always support that endeavor. And it irks me that we’ve made it “cool” to mock people who are at least setting intentions to improve themselves. Like ugh, who hurt you? Who hurt all of us?

Anyway, in true contrarian fashion, I often spend this time more focused on my past than the future. I like to do what I call an “In depth Year In Review.” And it’s basically exactly what it sounds like. I simply reflect (and record) what I did the past year. Apparently this type of technique has been popularized by Tim Ferris in what he calls a Past Year Review (PYR). My system has a bit of a different flavor, but it’s essentially the same idea. There are lots of different ways to do this, but I basically sit down and write all the notable things I did each month. For example, in October I took a road trip with my two best friends to Cincinnati, OH and we did a donut tour. Yes, you read that right. DONUT TOUR. 12 donut shops, 80 miles, 3 hours, sooooooo many donuts. We even got a passport that was stamped at each shop. I had a blast! And until I started my “Year In Review” I had kind of already forgotten about the trip. I ended up looking through my phone at all the pictures and videos and I was cracking myself up remembering all the great moments we had. Here’s a couple of my faves!

The focus of this exercise is to celebrate your achievements and reflect on the things that brought you joy. The nice thing about reviewing by month is that mostly big events and moments stick out in your mind. Tim Ferris and others use a more granular week by week assessment, but I ain’t got time for that. I don’t need to rack my brain trying to remember every single little detail. Chances are that if it’s that hard to dig the moment up, it probably wasn’t all that impactful anyway. So I just sit down and mentally picture each month and record what I did. I can also check through my photo galleries on my phone and social media to help jog my memory. The rationale being that if it was important enough at the time to take a photo, I’d likely want to remember it now. If I’m feeling super curious I can also peruse my posts on social media because it may give insight about how I was feeling regarding certain events. Do what works for you.

As I completed this exercise I began to recognize that there’s so much I have to be thankful for. SO MUCH. I have been very blessed, and I’d like to be more intentional this year in cultivating this practice of gratitude. Specifically, I don’t want to wait until next January to realize all the great things I’ve experienced throughout the year. Now I need to recalibrate.

My goal is to be more proactive about reflecting on precious moments and recording accomplishments as they happen. I’ve decided I will keep an accomplishments and notable moments journal for 2019. At first, I set a reminder to write in it at the end of every day. Then I thought about it and quickly changed my mind. That isn’t the kind of granularity that I need, and it’s highly unlikely that I’d keep up with it anyway. Instead, I opted to incorporate logging accomplishments as a part of my weekly review. On sundays, I typically take about 10 minutes to review my systems and habits to see overall how my task management is going. It’d be simple enough to also reflect on the things I’ve accomplished, and reasons to be thankful. In fact, that would probably even give me a boost of positivity and momentum as I plan for my next week.

Whatever system works best for you will determine how you implement this exercise. Just like with any tool, it should be optimized for your needs. The simple guiding principle of this task is that the more frequently you record, the more granular the accomplishments will be. I know that I won’t keep up with daily, but weekly is still fresh enough that I can think deeply about each day of the past week and capture anything meaningful.

So here’s to 2019. Let’s celebrate the moments as we go!

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Inchworms

Recently, I started doing CrossFit. Which has the opposite rule of fight club: The first rule of CrossFit is to never stop talking about CrossFit. It’s been very challenging physically, but the most fulfilling thing psychologically that I’ve done in a long time. You quickly learn that you are capable of so much more than you thought. But you only realize that as you push yourself to your limits. Which I would never do on my own. I like living comfortably within my limits. But when my coach asks me to do something, I try my best. I don’t say coach I can’t. I try. Sometimes I fail and will need a modification (that is, an easier movement that still has the full range of motion of the movement prescribed, but more accommodating to my physical limitations). The thing is, I never just assume I need a modification. I always try it first. Sometimes I can barely do one, or sometimes I can do one but very very slowly. At times my coach will say, good job Marissa, now let’s modify this a bit, or he’ll say good job Marissa, keep at it, I don’t care how long it takes you’re building great strength & form. Which leads me to one of my least favorite movements. The inchworm.

This inchworm is very similar to a sun salutation in yoga. I stand feet together, or hip length apart then bending down using my hands I inch out my body walking out to a plank (or push up position). From there I do a push up. Then I walk my hands back to my feet and stand up again. I do this all while making sure my knees never bend. My legs should be fully extended the entire time. Whew! And that is only ONE rep. We are typically asked to do 10 of these. TEN! I’m proud to say that I don’t need a modification, but also it takes me about x3 as long to complete these as everyone else in my class. And man, it’s a blow to my ego. I like to be the best at everything I can. But I am NOT the best at inchworms, or burpees for that matter but we’ll save that for another conversation.

The cool thing about the inchworms is that they represent both challenge and triumph. When standing in the starting position, it feels like how in the world am I gonna complete 10 of these? But then you do it. Not all at once. But one inch at a time. One hand walking out after the other. And each time you stand again, you realize you’re that much closer to completing the assignment. I’ve been thinking a lot about the inches in my life. You see, I’ve been re-reading The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson [1]. It’s a reminder that every accomplishment is about one step, one decision, one inch at a time, compounded over and over again.

I was reading a chapter earlier this week. One quote stood out to me, “Greatness is always in the moment of the decision.” Greatness is one of those big powerful words. I’m like the hyenas in The Lion King trembling over the word Mufasa. “Oooh say it again! Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!” I spend a lot of time thinking about words like greatness and legacy and impact. These words evoke so much more in me than a word like success. I often think of greatness, legacy, etc as being on a large scale of time, something amazing and grandiose amassed over a lifetime of excellence. But greatness isn’t made once we all recognize the accolades and accomplishments. It’s made way before that. In the daily decisions. In the inches. So this morning I grabbed my yoga mat, and went into the living room and completed 5 inchworms. FIVE! And honestly, it wasn’t as difficult as I imagined. There was a lot of resistance to get started, but once I put those hands out one at a time, inch by inch I felt more and more confident. Pretty soon, I know I’ll be able to do 10 quickly, or 20 or 30 or 50. I know, because I’ve already got what it takes. I’ve got the willingness to start, to try, one inch at a time.

[1] I highly recommend reading this book. It’s a quick read, and it helps you get into the mindset that you can accomplish pretty much anything. It doesn’t promise some magic formula. Instead The Slight Edge helps to point out the tools you already possess, encouraging you to see that you’re more than capable of making “it” happen. You just need to show up, and stick with it day in and day out. Seriously, go read the book.

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Chalk it up

 

I am very competitive. I have an all or nothing attitude and that means I must be the best at everything I try. Because of this, I’m known to quit a lot of things I start. You see, if I’m not immediately good at it I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m done. My therapist says that’s the mark of a perfectionist.

When she first told me this three years ago I couldn’t believe it. Me? A perfectionist? Get real. To me a perfectionist is someone with a type A personality who keeps all their affairs in order and their living spaces pristine. I was way too sloppy, too disorganized, too “fly by the seat of my pants” to ever be considered someone who strives for perfection. Or at least that’s what I thought.

This all or nothing attitude that I thought gave me a competitive edge, has actually had crippling effects on my day to day productivity. I often push important tasks back because I feel I don’t have adequate time to complete them in a way that’s “just right”. But that isn’t the main issue, because I eventually get to these tasks. The issue is how I decide if my day was a success or a failure based on the completion of these tasks.

I imagine a board with a line drawn straight down the middle and I need to categorize each day. Either I accomplished what I set out to do and I succeeded, or I didn’t, meaning that I failed. This has been very tough for me, in that I tend to be very hard on myself. If I’m not consciously thinking about giving myself grace, it seems I will always decide that a day was wasted. Chalk another one up for the failure column. But as I’ve taken time to pause and think about what I accomplished in the day, I realized that it all can’t be a complete waste. I can’t chalk it all up to failure. Sure, maybe I intended to get more done, but I cannot act like everything I did was meaningless.

Today was one of those days. I sit typing this at nearly 8pm and I still have yet to complete some of the most important tasks I wanted to get done today. Earlier in the evening I could feel myself getting down and feeling like a failure. Then I had to remember the other great things that happened today. For one, I finally remembered to get my blood drawn. This seems insignificant, but my doctor ordered the labs over a week ago and I kept forgetting to go. Or if I did remember, it was after I had already eaten and the labs required at least 8 hours of fasting. So it was no small victory to follow through and get these tests done. Another cool thing I did today was that I talked to my brother for over an hour. We hadn’t talked in a few weeks since he’s switched to night shift and it’s difficult to find a time to call. Well after my blood work I left to get lunch and chatted with him during that time and while I caught up on emails.

So when thinking about how to categorize my day, if I spend a little more time being self-aware I can easily find two things to be thankful for. I was able to keep up with my medical care and I was also able to connect with a loved one that I care about deeply. It may not be how I intended to spend part of my day, but nevertheless it was time well spent.

Everyday I want to remind myself that it’s okay if things don’t go as planned. It’s okay if I didn’t finish the items on my to-do list. Missing the mark on a few tasks doesn’t automatically send the day straight to the failure column. My life is more than all or nothing. Today and everyday I aim to chalk it up to a day well spent.