Posted on

It’s okay to cry

This is actually the first blog post I wrote (well technically the second). It was 2 years ago and I was so excited to start writing about all the ideas I had in my head. I had envisioned how I wanted to help people by writing about finding mental clarity in grad school. And I was so stoked!  In a burst of inspiration I wrote a great post, and then it got deleted (didn’t sync between devices). I was so upset. I forced myself to write through my feelings, thus the post below. 

I’m finally sharing it now because I re-read it recently and realized how much I still needed the lesson. We often are pressured to immediately shake things off and move on when we’re upset. We are trained to optimize everything, every moment in our lives, even our “unproductive” emotions. But there isn’t anything unproductive about being a whole person. Sometimes we need to sit with what we’re feeling in order to really process it. We need to know that it’s okay to cry.

12/21/2017

I’m super pissed right now. And just a moment ago, I was very upset on the verge of tears. Yesterday I started blogging. Like for real, actually getting this Find Mind Space thing off the ground. I made a goal to write at least 250 words a day, and on my first shot I wrote 998. Yes, nearly 4 times as much. And I just realized it’s all gone. All of it. All nine hundred and ninety eight words, just gone.

At first, I didn’t believe it. I stood up from my chair. Because for some reason if you change the plane of your body, that will get technology to work. (Listen, it makes sense. Sort of). But there I stood, staring at a page without my wonderful blog post. Then I decide to log in to Evernote from my desktop computer in my room. (Again, I know this logic is dumb, but I felt like I had to do something). Anyway, it seems no matter what computer I login to the Evernote cloud has no record of my 998 words. Gone. Even as I write this in google docs, I take these paranoia pauses to see those beloved words above, “All changes saved in Drive.” But I’m getting ahead of myself talking about the solution, let’s get back to the crisis.

Now, in my room, denial washes away and the flood of despair rolls in. I want to just give up. I want to cry like a baby. And for a brief moment I could feel my rational self trying to say, “It’s okay, we gotta move on, no use crying over spilt milk.” But I said No. I won’t suppress this. I want to own it. Sit in it. Feel it. So I shut off the pragmatic counselor and decide to lean into my feelings and let my emotions guide me. I take off my shoes, and curl up on my bed, head on the pillow. I start to cry. I quietly pause and allow the tears to free fall down my cheeks. And I just say to myself, 

Why? Why did I have to lose it? Why does it have to be gone? Why didn’t I make sure it saved? Why didn’t I make a back up? 

Why…..

Why…am I so upset? 

Is it REALLY about the blog post? I mean those 998 words were really quite good, but was it my magnum opus, of course not. So what now? Why are you really crying? This incident struck at something deeper, what is that?

And for the next few moments I lay still and really tried to be introspective. And I realized that it was what this deletion represented, more than the erasure itself. I have felt less than productive as of late. I have been beating myself up a bit about consistent progress and seeing tangible gains. See, in academia you toil all day long, and at the end of the day, week, month, semester, etc. you feel like there’s nothing to show for all your effort. Like it was all for naught. And yet somehow you’re more behind than when you started. But yesterday was a rare victory. I accomplished something. 998 somethings. A thing I could see and point to and say, “Look I was consistent, focused, and driven.” Or to put it less elegantly, “Psst I made dis.” And then it was suddenly snatched from me. I felt the blow was extremely personal. Like Haha Guurrrl, YOU THOUGHT!!! And in that moment staring at my empty blog post, I felt like a failure. Like I had taken 1 step forward, and 2 steps back.

Once I knew what was actually happening, I could then really process how I was feeling and how to move forward. In fact, I started planning this very blog post. I first off, had to be practical. I decided that I wouldn’t draft anything in Evernote EVER again, as long as I stay black. Because I already noticed that it hadn’t saved my work a few times in the past. And so, I’m reclaiming my time. I decided Google Drive was safe, because I’ve never lost anything here. Next, I decided to take a deep breath and show myself some compassion. I chose to remember the energy and excitement I had yesterday. And tell myself that I can still harness that now, despite the setback, because now I’m wiser. I’ve learned a valuable lesson, and I can move on stronger and smarter.

At this point, I can allow my rational pragmatic negotiator back in the room. I am ready to process just how small and insignificant this setback was. And here I am, delivering on my promise to myself, 788 words and counting.

We’re so trained to “handle” everything. We’re told we need to suck it up buttercup and keep moving cause life is hard, yada yada yada. But life IS hard, and sometimes it makes you cry. Don’t fight it. Allow yourself to cry, scream into a pillow, put on your boxing gloves and go to town on that punching bag in the garage. Let it out, and then let yourself in. Really dive in and find out what is the root of all this. Most likely it won’t be the trivial thing that started it in the first place. But don’t trivialize your feelings and assume because the eliciting incident is small that nothing lies beneath that you need to address. 

It’s okay to cry. Give yourself the permission and the space to work through your feelings. Try to find the truth. And as always, find your mind space.

Posted on

Talking to myself: Seeking the right solutions

Recently I finished reading Grit by Angela Duckworth. She is a professor and psychological researcher at UPenn. Her work identifies what makes people resilient, determined, and unwilling to give up on their goals. Reading her book has taught me so much about myself. Well, listening to this book technically, since audiobooks are really the only way I manage to finish any books. (Everyone’s always saying, “Ugh I wish I had time to read for pleasure in grad school.” I said the same, and had resigned myself to the idea that I didn’t have time for books. Then I realized that if I have time to listen to podcasts then I could listen to audiobooks. Game changer.) Anyway, there were numerous times where I had to pause the book and really dig deep to investigate how I fit into her research findings. One of the most dramatic moments was when I learned about problem solving. I was forced to ask myself an important question…

When I encounter a problem do I:

a) focus on my character & capabilities

OR

b) focus on my actions

It was highlighted in Grit that essentially your answer will help bring to light whether you are an optimist or a pessimist when it comes to solving problems. According to Duckworth, pessimists (i.e. fixed mindset/ low grit) believe that problems are “permanent and pervasive”, whereas optimists (i.e. growth mindset/high grit) see issues as “temporary and specific”. For example, let’s say that at the end of the day you’re frustrated with the tiny amount of work you have actually completed. When confronted with this issue you ask, “Why wasn’t I very productive?” When I heard this example in the book I immediately thought, “Because I wasn’t efficient with my time.” And I was quite pleased with myself because my response aligned with the optimist response. However that satisfaction was short lived because next Duckworth shared the pessimist response and it stopped me dead in my tracks. That response was, “I just can’t seem to do anything right. I’m never productive.” Whoa. I might not have used those exact words but I’ve definitely repeated very similar negative scripts to myself over the years. This shocked me because I’m known to be a very positive person. How could I line up with both the optimist and the pessimist? What was going on?

Duckworth explained that how we viewed our problems fundamentally shaped our ability to solve said problems. When individuals think the issue is permanent and pervasive it often mirrors having a fixed mindset, and leads to people giving up prior to finding solutions. They feel like the problem is bigger than their abilities, and always will be, therefore there’s nothing they can do. They show very little grit or resolve. Alternatively, by viewing difficult situations as temporary and specific, individuals adopt a growth mindset. The problem is specific to whatever conditions led to it arising, not due to some deep character flaw of their own that “ALWAYS” seems to conjure it.

As I began to explore my patterns of behavior more deeply, certain themes began to emerge. Whenever I was frustrated about a past decision that put me in a tough spot in the present, I used that moment to berate myself. I adopted the permanent and pervasive narrative and I weaponized it to rebuke my poor choices. Shortly after reading about all of this in Duckworth’s book, I randomly came across this oddly motivating twitter screenshot on facebook. To be clear, it wasn’t odd to see something like this posted on my social media, but it was oddly specific to what I had been thinking about. (fear the robot overlords!)

This really hit me hard. Even if you’re not a person of faith like I am, maybe think of it as your inner self or inner voice. It’s all the same. After seeing this post, I began to catch myself saying negative things in more subtle ways; and it scared me because it meant I was constantly absorbing these harmful narratives. For example, last week I desperately needed to stretch my shoulders after a workout, but was running short on time. I had just finished doing a bunch of heavy bench press sets (yes I’m talking about crossfit again) and, due to an old injury in my right shoulder, I always try to spend extra time in recovery. Well, I was out of time and had to leave the gym. I could either do half the amount of time for both shoulders, or do the whole amount for just my right shoulder. I chose the latter. And the next morning my right shoulder felt great, but my left shoulder ached. I sat up in bed and said, “Why did I think only doing one shoulder was a good idea? I’m such a moron.”

Record scratch.

I couldn’t believe it. I had been awake for about 14 seconds and I was already talking to myself horribly. I took a deep breath and corrected the situation. I said, “You are NOT a moron. You were tight on time and had to make a decision. Now you know for the future that it’s probably better to stretch both sides even if you have to cut the time.” I transformed the script from permanent & pervasive (a me problem), to temporary & specific (a regular ole problem).

How often are you turning run of the mill, super ordinary, mundane problems in life into harsh critiques of your character and capabilities? Anything above zero is too many. So stop that.

I think a big part of it for me is that when I’m frustrated with a situation I take it out on myself. And that’s problematic because grad school is VERY frustrating. Maybe your experiments aren’t working or, more commonly, you simply have too much to do and seemingly not enough time to do it all. When that sense of overwhelm and frustration builds, remember to stick to the temporary & specific scripts.

I noticed that I would be upset about my productivity on certain days of the week. It was typically on days where I had lots of meetings, seminars, journal clubs, etc fragmenting my time. By shifting the perspective from the permanent & pervasive (Ugh. Why can’t you ever focus?) to temporary & specific (These interruptions make it hard for you to do deep work.) I could arrive at a workable solution. Now, on days where my time is fragmented, I plan to do more administrative tasks that don’t require a ton of focus, but also still really need to get done. I even started keeping a list of these tasks with an estimated amount of time to completion. So now, when I only have 35min between meetings, I can pick something off that list and knock it out. These small changes have made a world of difference; but I had to frame the problem properly in order to arrive at a meaningful solution.

“Productivity” is the source of so much angst in grad school. There’s always that nagging feeling that you’re not doing enough; so we’re all chasing this elusive sense of accomplishment or validation that we’re putting in the “right amount” of work. This situation isn’t going away anytime soon, so in many ways, it’s quite helpful and healthy to implement strategies to optimize your workflow. However, what isn’t healthy or helpful is the permanent & pervasive mindset. So my advice is to avoid blaming yourself at all costs.

You are not the problem. You are the problem solver. Therefore speak to yourself with kindness and love so that you’re empowered to find the right solutions.

Posted on

How to stay grounded when you’re lacking motivation and productivity

Yesterday, my friend Cassie was messaging me about grad school. She is planning to go back to school after being in the workforce for 5+ years and is currently studying for the GRE. She texted me and said, “Studying is hard. How do you stay motivated?”

And my answer was simple.

I don’t.

I don’t stay motivated. Some days I feel like I can accomplish anything. I feel like each item on my to-do list is no match for me and my killer productivity instinct. I feel unstoppable. Sometimes. Many other times I feel so overwhelmed. I feel like I’m never going to catch up on all the readings, meetings, experiments, statistics, and manuscript drafts. I feel like I’m sinking and drowning. Some days I feel like a failure. I feel like an imposter and that I shouldn’t even bother today because my best won’t be good enough. Instead, I just want to curl up in my bed and watch netflix. I feel all of these things, thankfully never all at once. So how do I tackle such an arduous and long task, like grad school, when my day to day motivation changes so much?

I am kind to myself. I am kind, forgiving, and I extend myself grace.

I told my friend Cassie, “The key is to not beat yourself up. It’s ok that motivation ebbs and flows.”

I’ve learned that when I’m less than productive, being upset with myself does very little to actually solve the problem. It’s then that I just end up feeling anxious, depressed, AND unproductive.

I told Cassie that the goal is to be disciplined but also be reasonable.

The funny thing about this whole exchange was that, in the moment, I had been feeling pretty anxious about my current productivity. I knew that I was doing “ok” but I also knew that I need to step it up a few notches to meet my graduation goals. So I was feeling that pressure and feeling a bit uneasy because of it. It was funny to see that I was so willing to tell another to stay grounded, while losing my own perspective.

After chatting with her I was headed out to another engagement. On the walk over I put on my favorite playlist; the one I retreat to when I’m wound up and I just need to be calmed down. Those hand picked songs, on my aptly named “chill” playlist, help to keep me centered.

I also have a playlist on youtube called “Chill Vibes” with many of those same songs that calm me down. Feel free to check it out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rjH98cvqsg&list=PLKxHeK7x9xNIk4dA2OOG2LKO6cYOwHeu3

In those 10 minutes of walking I briefly reviewed everything I had done that week. Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of our action items completed when we feel like our to-do list isn’t getting any shorter. I took that time to remind myself that I am ok. I am worthy, competent, and wise. And although there are still things unfinished, look at what I HAVE accomplished thus far. And in those 10 minutes I remembered that I’m doing fine. I’m doing better than fine, in fact, I’m doing great. And it’s okay to acknowledge that you occasionally miss the mark because this doesn’t negate all the great things you have done.

I am always greatly encouraged by Ben Franklin’s quote:

“I was surprised to find myself much fuller of faults than I had imagined, but I had the satisfaction of seeing them diminish.”

Even Ben Franklin acknowledged his weaknesses. And he was also kind in recognizing that each day was a chance to improve and close that gap in performance.

Give yourself that same opportunity. Give yourself the space and grace to forgive yourself when you’re not always motivated or productive. It’s ok.

Be kind. Be disciplined. Be reasonable.
And keep going.

Posted on

Chalk it up

 

I am very competitive. I have an all or nothing attitude and that means I must be the best at everything I try. Because of this, I’m known to quit a lot of things I start. You see, if I’m not immediately good at it I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m done. My therapist says that’s the mark of a perfectionist.

When she first told me this three years ago I couldn’t believe it. Me? A perfectionist? Get real. To me a perfectionist is someone with a type A personality who keeps all their affairs in order and their living spaces pristine. I was way too sloppy, too disorganized, too “fly by the seat of my pants” to ever be considered someone who strives for perfection. Or at least that’s what I thought.

This all or nothing attitude that I thought gave me a competitive edge, has actually had crippling effects on my day to day productivity. I often push important tasks back because I feel I don’t have adequate time to complete them in a way that’s “just right”. But that isn’t the main issue, because I eventually get to these tasks. The issue is how I decide if my day was a success or a failure based on the completion of these tasks.

I imagine a board with a line drawn straight down the middle and I need to categorize each day. Either I accomplished what I set out to do and I succeeded, or I didn’t, meaning that I failed. This has been very tough for me, in that I tend to be very hard on myself. If I’m not consciously thinking about giving myself grace, it seems I will always decide that a day was wasted. Chalk another one up for the failure column. But as I’ve taken time to pause and think about what I accomplished in the day, I realized that it all can’t be a complete waste. I can’t chalk it all up to failure. Sure, maybe I intended to get more done, but I cannot act like everything I did was meaningless.

Today was one of those days. I sit typing this at nearly 8pm and I still have yet to complete some of the most important tasks I wanted to get done today. Earlier in the evening I could feel myself getting down and feeling like a failure. Then I had to remember the other great things that happened today. For one, I finally remembered to get my blood drawn. This seems insignificant, but my doctor ordered the labs over a week ago and I kept forgetting to go. Or if I did remember, it was after I had already eaten and the labs required at least 8 hours of fasting. So it was no small victory to follow through and get these tests done. Another cool thing I did today was that I talked to my brother for over an hour. We hadn’t talked in a few weeks since he’s switched to night shift and it’s difficult to find a time to call. Well after my blood work I left to get lunch and chatted with him during that time and while I caught up on emails.

So when thinking about how to categorize my day, if I spend a little more time being self-aware I can easily find two things to be thankful for. I was able to keep up with my medical care and I was also able to connect with a loved one that I care about deeply. It may not be how I intended to spend part of my day, but nevertheless it was time well spent.

Everyday I want to remind myself that it’s okay if things don’t go as planned. It’s okay if I didn’t finish the items on my to-do list. Missing the mark on a few tasks doesn’t automatically send the day straight to the failure column. My life is more than all or nothing. Today and everyday I aim to chalk it up to a day well spent.